Signs of Verbal Abuse: How to Identify Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Words have power, and they can be used to bless and build or to tear down and destroy. The book of Proverbs says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21). If our tongues are a “fire” as the letter of James says, we ought to be careful how we use them, because they can cause a lot of damage in our lives and the lives of others. Verbal abuse, also known as emotional abuse, is a verbal interaction or a set of behaviors that cause emotional harm and are intended to manipulate, maintain power over, frighten, control, or intimidate another person.

Verbal abuse can take various forms, such as humiliation, giving the silent treatment, insults, ridicule, and attempts to control, scare, and isolate. It can at times be subtle enough that the person experiencing it isn’t even aware of what’s going on.

The effect of verbal abuse is to instill fear, and the person who is being abused also begins to believe the negative and untrue things being said about them. Their self-esteem takes a knock, and that can in turn affect their relationships, academic or work performance, and general well-being.

Signs of Verbal Abuse and Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Here are few signs to help you recognize verbal and emotional abuse within a relationship:

Dismissing hurtful comments by saying it was a joke.

A verbally abusive person will make hurtful comments about you, whether it’s about your body, your ideas, your parenting, or something else, and then when they are confronted about it, they will brush it off as though they said it as a joke. “Really? That was just a joke! You take things too seriously” is something they might say. In this way, they try to avoid accountability for their words while making it seem like you are the one with the problem.

Making fun of, insulting, or dismissing you and your ideas, thoughts, and beliefs.

Verbal abuse may also look like this. People don’t always agree with us, nor should they. But when you have a consistent pattern of interactions with someone in which you aren’t taken seriously and they insult you, that is problematic.
Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates another person by making them question their own memories, feelings, and perceptions of events and reality. A gaslighter will say things, and then later deny ever having said it.

They may say you are imagining things or minimize your feelings by saying that you’re oversensitive. In some instances, a gaslighter will refuse to engage in a conversation by pretending they don’t understand what you’re talking about.

Hurting you in private but acting completely different in public.

A verbally and emotionally abusive person will act like two different people depending on where you are. In private, they may say hurtful things or demean you, but in public, they may act sweetly and with consideration.

Name-calling.

Verbal abuse also shows up as name-calling. When someone repeatedly calls you “stupid”, “dumb”, “ugly”, “weird”, “creepy” or any number of pejorative terms, that is abusive. Being called names is humiliating and can affect a person’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

Constant criticism.

None of us is perfect, and so there is always room for growth. Criticism isn’t a bad thing in itself, as it can help us improve ourselves and our work. When criticism is constant, and it isn’t constructive, that is a different thing. A verbally abusive person will constantly pull you down.

They use a derisive tone usually intended to demean. “You’re not going out in that are you?”. “Your hair is too kinky”. “You’re terrible at this. You even shouldn’t bother”. Constant criticism can undermine self-confidence, and that allows the abuser to better manipulate or intimidate.

Blaming you for their behavior.

Each one of us is responsible for our own behavior. Part of maturing is taking ownership of our faults. A verbally abusive person, however, will blame others for their behavior. “I only hit you because you were making me angry”, or “If you hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have had the affair”, or “It’s your fault I went out of our budget” are possible examples of this kind of behavior.

Manipulation.

Verbal and emotional abuse can manifest as manipulative behavior. When someone says things like, “If you do this, that proves you don’t love me or our kids”, or “If you love me, you’ll do this”, these are ways of trying to control others and get them to behave a certain way.

Making threats.

Another way that people try to control the behavior of others is by issuing threats. If someone threatens to harm you, your children, the family pet, themselves, or if they threaten to leave you if you don’t comply with them, that is another example of emotional or verbal abuse. It is meant to frighten you, and in that way control you and your behavior to make you compliant with their wishes.

Using words to shame you.

Shaming you using words is another form of verbal abuse, as it can be used to isolate you from others by making you feel unworthy.

Making jokes at your expense.

In families and relationships, people joke around and rib one another. Usually, it’s good-natured fun and no one is intentionally being picked on or made to feel bad. If they are told to stop, or if they register that what they’ve said is hurtful or demeaning, friends and family will stop and apologize. That’s how it works in healthy relationships.

In verbally and emotionally abusive situations, jokes are regularly made at your expense, without thought spared to your feelings. Even if you explain that you were hurt, at best there will be a brief hiatus, at worst you will be dismissed, and the jokes will continue.

Screaming, yelling, or cursing at you.

When someone frequently engages in this behavior, this is a power play and an attempt to dominate and intimidate you through force.

Wanting access to things like your passwords, keys, bank cards, your text messages.

We all have boundaries and areas in our lives that we’d like to keep private and under our control. Knowing that things like your phone or your social media accounts have passwords and only you have access to them is a clear boundary most people must keep a sense of ownership and individuality.

The desire for control may drive emotionally abusive behavior like wanting access to every area of your life, and control over things like your finances. The abusive person may combine this with acting jealous and wanting to know your whereabouts all the time and accusing you of cheating. Wanting access to every area of your life is a way for someone to have and maintain control over you.

What to Do

First, you must recognize that what is happening is in fact abuse. Often, because of the gaslighting and the denials, you may start to doubt your gut reactions and assessment that something is wrong. The overall effect of verbal and emotional abuse is that it begins to break you down as a person, diminishing your self-esteem and confidence, making you reliant on the other person. It’s a huge step but trust your gut and believe what you’re seeing and hearing.

Second, if you find yourself in immediate danger, call 911. Sometimes, emotional, and verbal abuse can escalate and is closely followed by acts of physical violence, and you need to get help or remove yourself from the situation.

If the danger is not immediate, discreetly tell a friend or family member whom you trust about what’s going on and investigate abuse shelters where you might go if you are forced to leave. This is important if you share a living space with the emotionally/verbally abusive person.

Third, where possible, talk with a counselor or join a support group so that you can begin rebuilding your life and get advice on how to deal with verbally abusive individuals.