How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Friendship and Why It’s Important

Friendship is an essential part of life. The Bible encourages us to live a social life, to build each other up, and to fellowship. While friendships can be fulfilling and uplifting, they also require the establishment of healthy boundaries to ensure that they remain mutually beneficial. Let’s explore the idea of boundaries in friendships and how to implement them.

Understanding Boundaries in Friendships

Relationship boundaries are defined guidelines that help to protect the relationship and the individual emotions and well-being of all parties involved. These guidelines and defined limits help to limit awkward encounters and uncomfortable situations. They are important in fostering mutual respect and safety within relationships.

Because people come from different backgrounds and cultures, what you might assume is a universally known “friendship rule” might not be common knowledge in all societies. Cultural differences, family dynamics, and personal experiences shape a person’s perspective and can affect what they consider polite or acceptable in social situations.

You are responsible for protecting yourself and establishing your unique boundaries. You are responsible for identifying what is acceptable to you and to communicate these limits to the people in your life. By setting clearly defined and reasonable boundaries, you are establishing clear expectations for how you want to be treated and what you will tolerate within a friendship.

Types of Boundaries in Friendships

There are many different types of boundaries to consider. Since we were created to be multifaceted beings, our relationships are also complex and multifaceted. Because of this, our boundaries must also reflect the various aspects of our relationships. In this section, we will explore the various types of boundaries and the importance of setting and maintaining them.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries within a friendship refer to the limits we set regarding our personal space, physical bodies, and all aspects of our physical interactions. These boundaries are an important part of creating respectful and safe relationships. Physical boundaries range from the amount of physical touch allowed within the friendship to the need for personal space.

For example, a physical boundary might involve demarcation that defines the extent of a person’s physical space. Each person has their unique preferences regarding personal “alone time” and personal space.

Some people are comfortable with hugging or standing close when talking. Other people prefer more space and limited physical contact. While one friend might enjoy a long embrace, the other party might not appreciate unwanted hugs. Respecting each other’s preferences and differences is necessary for creating and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Another physical boundary that might have to be discussed involves a friend entering a personal space uninvited. Do you like it when someone stops by unannounced, or do you feel more comfortable being given a text or phone call indicating a visit? These types of friendship rules should be established early in the relationship.

One way to communicate such a request is to say, “I would love for you to visit sometime. I would appreciate at least an hour’s notice, so I can finish my work and give you my full attention.”

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries in relationships involve understanding and respecting each other’s feelings. It also involves knowing what topics are off-limits and what subjects might trigger the emotions of the other person.

One example of an emotional boundary that might have to be implemented is a restriction on time. It’s good to be available for each other, especially when the other person needs emotional support. But if one friend becomes too needy, the other friend might feel as if the friendship is one-sided and out of balance. If giving time and energy without receiving it in return leaves you feeling unappreciated and emotionally drained, it might be a sign that you need to set an emotional boundary.

Another example of an emotional boundary is setting a limit as to how much personal information you are comfortable with disclosing. You might not want to share information about your marriage with a friend. It’s important that your friend respects this decision and doesn’t press you to share details that you are not comfortable with sharing.

Spiritual and Intellectual Boundaries

Setting spiritual and intellectual boundaries is essential in maintaining a healthy and fit spiritual and mental life. People are going to disagree. Even though it’s good to have healthy discussions about fundamental core beliefs, it’s important to set boundaries that protect your faith and your belief system. This could involve setting parameters for discussions about religion or politics. And insisting on respectful interactions.

Consider this example. You are a devout Christian who has made it a point to avoid certain types of songs that you feel conflict with your spiritual belief. If a friend plays a song that you don’t feel comfortable listening to and you have clearly communicated your belief, that friend has crossed a boundary.

Political discussions can turn toxic quickly. It’s wise to have a boundary in place about your participation in political discussions. If you find yourself in a heated discussion with a friend, consider calmly stating that you understand their point of view and simply don’t agree. It’s fine to have disagreements and differences of opinion within relationships if these discussions are kept mutually respectful.

Time Boundaries

Do you have a friend who is always late? If you have a friend who is not respectful of your time by running late or canceling plans at the last minute, you may need to implement a time boundary within your friendship. Setting a boundary on time might also mean being clear about the amount of time you are comfortable with allocating for a relationship.

An example of communicating a time boundary would be making a clear statement regarding your time together. You could say, “I’ve noticed that you seem to get upset when I am not available to spend time with you. I want you to know that I love our friendship and spending time with you, but I do have other commitments that I have to focus on. I hope you understand that this has nothing to do with you.”

Material Boundaries

Borrowing a favorite skirt or even five dollars is a perk for friendships, but when borrowing and lending becomes toxic, it can mean that it’s time to set a boundary. A material boundary will implement rules on how tangible items and personal belongings are used within the friendship.

These limits help prevent disrespectful behavior and awkward situations. An example of a material boundary is to not tolerate another person borrowing a tangible item without asking in advance. Another commonly needed boundary is requiring that the friend return items that are borrowed in the same condition they were in when they left your possession.

For example, a friend might borrow a rare book from you and then doesn’t return it in a timely manner. If you do not specify how long you are comfortable with lending it, your friend may not know its importance or may not prioritize returning it to you. It’s not wise to assume other people understand your expectations. You must communicate them politely but clearly to avoid misunderstandings.

How to Set Healthy Friendship Boundaries

Some people find it difficult to set boundaries within their relationships. People often struggle with setting boundaries for several reasons. One factor is a lack of awareness of their own needs and limits. Social norms and family influence might also cause someone to prioritize others’ needs over their own. Add in the fear of conflict or rejection and it is no wonder that some people simply don’t have the skill set needed to create healthy limits within their relationships.

If you find it difficult to set boundaries in friendships, consider seeking the guidance of a trained therapist. A professional can help you learn more about the underlying reasons you have a difficult time setting clear and healthy boundaries. They can also coach you in learning where to set boundaries and how to communicate these limits to other people in your life.

Living Happily Ever After

Setting healthy boundaries can be a transformative journey in your personal growth and your relationships. Because we are all fallible, personal relationship conflict is inevitable. It is possible to limit tension and relationship damage by creating boundaries and communicating them to other people in your life. It is equally important to respect the boundaries of others. Setting clear expectations and respecting other people’s boundaries can lead to fulfilling and rewarding relationships.

NOTE: If you are in a friendship that has turned violent, it’s important to remove yourself from that situation immediately. Find a safe place and contact the proper authorities for assistance.