How to Grow Your Effective Listening Skills

“Are you even listening to me?” Greg and Amber spat this retort countless times in conversation. Each time, they seemed to simply talk past one another, never resolving the issue. Were they utilizing effective listening skills?

Greg did not feel Amber understood why he wanted to have better boundaries around their relationship, while Amber felt Greg was trying to isolate them from their relatives and avoid difficult conversations with them. Could this pattern ever change?

In everyday situations, people exchange words and ideas in the hope of their intentions being known and understood. People vary in the level of skill they may have in expressing themselves. Some talk more than others. However, an abundance of words does not equal quality communication, nor does eloquence.

Growing your effective listening skills is critical for relationships to flourish. Doing so will make a remarkable difference in your interpersonal interactions.

What is effective listening?

Effective listening is a way of being with people that can elevate your level of engagement with them. It is a way of listening and being present in a situation that allows the other person to feel heard. It also allows you to truly hear their concerns.

Most of us think that we are great listeners. However, the truth is that our demeanor in conversations does not always give the impression that we are truly listening. Likewise, our habits do not always give us the insight we need to genuinely understand the other person.

Effective listening is about removing distractions that prevent us from hearing what the other person is saying. Some of these habits are so deeply ingrained in us that we are unaware of them. To become an effective and empathetic listener, you need to become aware of these habits and learn to cultivate new ones.

How to develop your listening skills.

To understand common habits that sabotage productive communication, it is helpful to describe what effective listening skills are. Once you encounter effective listening, your next few conversations may be difficult for you, as you wrestle against your natural tendencies and try to implement effective listening. It is a journey. You will get there with consistent practice.

Some effective listening skills include the following:

Do not interrupt.

If you interrupt the other person, you are not giving them a chance to finish their thought and understand what they are trying to articulate. You may think you are helping them by ‘cutting to the chase,’ but taking away their chance to outline the problem or highlight a solution may not be beneficial.

Put away distractions.

Put away your phone, close your laptop, turn away from the TV, put down your book, and give your undivided attention to the other person. This will indicate to them that you want to hear what they have to say; you are present and for them. You are communicating to them that you care about what they are saying.

Do not think of a response while the other is still talking.

Have you ever noticed yourself already thinking of an answer or response to what is being said while the person is still talking? You will miss the nuance of what they are communicating. Whatever is said next is lost because you assume you already know what they are talking about. The rest of their words are irrelevant.

Just as with interrupting, this is one of the biggest offenders when it comes to not being an effective listener. Allow the person to finish before you permit yourself to think of a response.

Ask clarifying questions.

Asking questions is a fantastic way to understand and gain clarity. In a conversation there are natural pauses where you can pose these questions. Along with asking questions, you can also summarize what the other person has said and ask if you have understood them correctly.

Let your body speak consistently.

Communication is a whole-body affair. Have you ever spoken with someone, and their eyes keep drifting away from you? It seems to say they would rather be elsewhere. Let your body speak with one voice, and let that voice communicate that you are invested. Your grunts of affirmation, eye contact, body posture and more can all convey meaning. Let that meaning be “I hear you.”

Effective listening allows the other person to leave a conversation feeling like they have been heard, and that you cared enough to listen. While it may not necessarily resolve the issues between people, it goes a long way in understanding a person’s actual concerns. For Greg and Amber, effective listening will help them avoid talking past one another and to begin addressing the concerns they each have.

Effective listening is one of many skills that can be learned from a couple’s counselor. If you and your loved one are struggling with communicating and feeling heard, it may be that effective listening will help you. Reach out to a counselor today to begin working on your effective listening skills and improve your communication.