How to Deal with Grief: For Yourself and Others Around You

One of the realities that all human beings must learn is how to deal with grief. It can come our way because we’ve lost a loved one due to death or the ending of a relationship, losing a job, or having the fabric of our lives altered in some other way. It can come upon us suddenly, or gradually overtake us, such as when a loved one has a serious illness, and they gradually slip away.

Each person experiences the weight of grief differently, but biblical descriptions of grief such as, “My tears have been my food day and night,” “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” seem to describe many experiences of grief.

When a person grieves, they feel many different and contradictory feelings, they may also feel numb for a time. They may find themselves feeling and not want to, or they may find themselves feeling numb and wishing to feel anything. Grief is a complex journey that we and the people around us will go through at some point in our lives. How then do we deal with it?

How to Deal with Grief in Your Own Life

When grief comes our way, there are a few things to remember not only for ourselves but also for the people in our lives. One precious reminder to us comes from 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, which reads, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”

God meets us in our places of need, giving us comfort in times of trouble. While God gives us comfort and we in turn comfort others, how God and we communicate that comfort will differ in different circumstances.

As you go through grief in your life, remember this:

Grief is a process, a journey.

Grieving doesn’t happen overnight, nor does it happen in a predictable way. Below, we’ll talk about the distinct stages of grief, but it’s important to remember that those stages don’t progress in a linear way. You may find that your journey is longer, shorter, or more convoluted than someone else’s.

Your journey is your own and comparing it to that of others and trying to tailor it to theirs may simply short-circuit what you need. Grief takes time, and that may be uncomfortable, especially if we want to get over it quickly and get back to life as usual. While on your grief journey, be willing to walk with others, such as trusted people in your life or a trained therapist who specializes in grief and all its dynamics.

Everyone grieves in their own way.

However, there are general stages of grief that most people go through, though not in the same order or in the same way, as we pointed out. These stages of grief are:

• Denial and shock – At this stage one may refuse to accept that this is happening; you may be feeling numb and in a state of disbelief.
• Pain and guilt – At this stage, the loss feels unbearable and, and one may feel like a burden or that you’re making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs.
• Anger and bargaining – These are casting blame and lashing out, either toward your loved one, God, or both, even telling God you’re willing to do anything to undo what’s happened.
• Depression – You are resigned to what’s happened and going through a time of processing and reflecting on the loss.
• The upward turn – One may at this stage feel relaxed and calm, with the feelings of anger and pain not as prominent as before.
• Reconstruction and working through – At this stage one may start rebuilding their life, putting the pieces of their life back together, and learning how to move forward.
• Acceptance and hope – You accept what’s happened as real and as the new status quo, but knowing you’ll be okay. You have a feeling of possibilities in the future.

Deal with it your own way, but deal with it.

Some people cry when they are hurt, others do not. Some people can work while dealing with their issues, while others need to take a break and spend time away from daily responsibilities. While some are more than happy to grieve in community, others prefer to grieve alone or with a small number of confidantes.

Each of us learns how to deal with grief in our own way, but you must deal with it. Burying yourself in work to avoid thinking and feeling or numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol may not be healthy ways to address your grief – they are ways of avoiding the issue at hand. Face the realities of what has happened and begin coming to terms with it.

Give yourself room.

As with other things in our lives, we need to be firm, but kind and gentle with ourselves. Don’t rush yourself with the thought “I should be over this by now.” It takes as long as it takes to work through grief. If you find that you may be lingering in one stage or another for a while and you can’t seem to move past certain thoughts and feelings, consider speaking to someone you trust or to a trained mental health professional.

In the lives of others around you

The people in your life may go through grief, and it’s helpful to know how to walk with them on their journey. As we noted earlier, we may be able to draw from our own experiences of grief and how God and others came alongside us to give us comfort. As the people around you are grieving, here are a few ways to stand with them:

Recognize that we grieve differently.

As we pointed out, we don’t all grieve the same. Don’t expect your friends to grieve the way you do, or in ways that you expect. They may have their own process, and part of how you deal with their grief is to let them deal with it in their own way, unless how they’re handling it is patently harmful to their physical, mental, and emotional health.

Offer them your support.

As they are on their journey, support them by letting them know you’re there in the ways they require. Pray with them. Make them meals. Take the kids out to give them space to be by themselves. Go over and hang out with them or do some of their chores for them. Take them for their appointments. Remind them of your love and that they aren’t a burden. There are many ways to offer practical and emotional support to someone who is grieving, and the limit is our creativity and availability.

Give them room.

Just as we need room to grieve in our own way, giving others the room they need to grieve is also important. Grief in someone’s life may last for a few weeks, but it can also be a years-long process. Being there for the long haul and letting the people we care about grieve requires a deep commitment to them and their wellbeing.

Conclusion

Grief is a part of all our lives. We may go through it in one season, and then someone we care about may go through tough times too. Grieving is a process that takes shape differently for everyone, so it won’t look the same for us or the people in our lives. In grief, you may feel things that are uncomfortable and different.

For generations, people have used books like Psalms to find the language for their grief and give voice to uncomfortable and unfamiliar feelings. That may be something you find precious to your journey. Other resources like a mental health professional can also help by creating a space for you to grieve, to vet your feelings, and gather the tools you need to learn how to deal with grief and find hope amid trying circumstances.