How Fear of Intimacy Can Affect a Relationship

There is nothing quite like sharing a deep sense of connection with another person. To know another person and to be truly known by them is an amazing gift that’s great when you have it, but life doesn’t always cooperate, and sometimes we aren’t able to have what we need. This can create a fear of intimacy.

In your relationships, whether with a friend, family member, or a romantic partner, one of the greatest gifts you can give and receive is that of connection. However, intimacy doesn’t always happen on cue, nor do people always feel ready for it.

What is intimacy?

When you’re in a relationship with someone, a sense of intimacy means that you feel close to them. Another way to describe intimacy is emotional connection, or one can think of intimacy as a deep-seated feeling of being known and supported. When a relationship is intimate, the people in the relationship feel free to share their thoughts, experiences, feelings, and themselves, with another person.

From this, it makes sense that there are different kinds of intimacy, and some forms of intimacy are more appropriate in certain relationships than others. Also, the same kind of intimacy can take different forms in different relationships. Some of the types of intimacy include:

Spiritual intimacy

This includes sharing your beliefs and values.

Physical intimacy

This includes holding hands, giving a hug, or sex/

Intellectual intimacy

This includes being able to share your thoughts, opinions, ideas, dreams, or even just talking about the book you read recently.

Emotional intimacy

Being able to share your emotions, including your most personal ones, and the difficult emotions too.

Experiential intimacy

Being able to spend time and enjoy things together, like hiking, watching the sunset, or sitting by a lake while fishing.

Each relationship will have areas of deep and meaningful connection and areas that need a bit of work. Intellectual intimacy, for example, will look different in a marital relationship than in a parent-child relationship. Having healthy boundaries means some things are appropriate in one relationship that won’t be in another setting.

Fear of intimacy

Being close to someone may be something that you yearn for, but it may also be something that you fear or find uncomfortable. Several things can raise significant challenges for intimacy, and these include the following:

Unhealthy communication

Getting close to someone requires sharing yourself, which usually requires you to express yourself, namely, your thoughts, your feelings, or your intentions. Without good communication that includes being able to listen well to one another, intimacy will be fleeting or hard to come by.

Conflict

When you’re not seeing eye-to-eye with someone, it’s likely you feel a gulf forming between you. It can feel like they don’t understand you, know you, or care about you. Being mired in conflict can generate feelings of resentment, anger, and a deep lack of trust. This can make it challenging to spend time with each other, let alone connect and feel connected.

Stress and busyness

When you’re under enormous pressure, taking the time that’s required to listen, connect, and respond to someone else’s needs can be a monumental task. When you’re busy with work, or feeling stressed because of an illness in the family, financial trouble, or because you’re overwhelmed with parenting, it is difficult to slow down and meaningfully connect.

Others wrestle with a deep fear of intimacy. Sometimes, people get hurt in their relationships, making it hard to trust again or to overcome any trauma they experienced. The thought of opening up to another person and risking further hurt can be overwhelming, and it may seem safer to avoid intimacy altogether rather than allow themselves to be vulnerable.

However, as C.S. Lewis once wrote,

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable – C.S. Lewis

A fear of intimacy will close you off to other people. The people around you won’t know your thoughts, needs, dreams, or fears. They won’t be able to come alongside you to support you, and you won’t be able to come alongside them either. Intimacy may be a struggle for you or your loved one, but God is gracious to heal you and provide you with trustworthy people who will honor your vulnerability.

Pursuing deeper intimacy in your relationships

There are many benefits to deeper intimacy in your relationships, and sometimes it’s helpful to remind oneself about them to encourage a renewed pursuit of meaningful connection. Intimacy in a relationship allows you to feel understood, receive care, and be yourself.

Deeper intimacy means greater satisfaction in your relationship because you feel connected to one another, and you’re invested in each other’s well-being. Not only that, but greater intimacy can improve your emotional and mental well-being. We are relational creatures, and having a sense of social connection is deeply important for our well-being.

You or your loved one may struggle with intimacy for a variety of reasons. Don’t allow past hurt to hinder your present intimacy. Speak with a Christian counselor at Encinitas Christian Counseling in California who can help you understand where your fear of intimacy comes from, and so that you can begin learning to trust again.