Dealing with Adult Child Resentment

There are many reasons an adult child might feel resentful toward his or her parents. Most often adult child resentment is rooted in things that happened long ago during childhood such as a divorce or other traumatic event he or she blamed you for, or dysfunctional family dynamics that led to unresolved inner conflict that was not properly addressed.

If your adult child is willing to talk about it, listen without interrupting or trying to defend yourself. Respect the reality of his or her experience by acknowledging and validating his or her feelings and point of view rather than trying to correct his or her version of the story. Remember, your goal is to heal the relationship, and not to determine who was right or wrong.

Reasons adult children may stop including a parent in their lives.

• Giving them unsolicited advice.
• Criticizing their choices.
• Overstepping parental boundaries and asking intrusive questions.
• Not treating them as adults.
• Not respecting their boundaries.
• Having different values and/or clashing personalities.
• Having habits or behaviors that annoy them.
• Giving them ultimatums.
• Being critical of their friends or spouse.
• Disagreements about parenting.
• Not feeling respected.
• Emotional abuse.
• Unresolved childhood conflicts and/or distorted memories of the past.
• Unmet childhood needs due to abuse, rejection, or neglect.

Steps you can take to try and heal adult child resentment.

• Accept that there is a reason for your adult child’s resentment.
• Respect your child’s wishes if he or she wants space and time apart.
• Turn it over to God and ask Him to show you anything you need to see or do.
• Remember you are dealing with an adult.
• Try to find common ground and respectfully agree to disagree on other issues.
• Look for a kernel of truth in your child’s accusations and be willing to take responsibility for any mistakes you may have made.
• Be open to the possibility that your child may have experienced and/or remembers an event differently than you do.
• Communicate using “I” statements instead of blaming or accusing your child and try to understand and empathize with his or her point of view.
• Be willing to change behavior that has upset your child.
• Send your child a thoughtful, validating letter of apology.
• Continue to reach out through emails or texts even if your child doesn’t always respond.
• Pray for God to give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

What not to do.

• Don’t respond to your adult child reactively by being critical or voicing your disapproval of him or her.
• Don’t try to convince your adult child that he or she is wrong to reject you.
• Don’t try to invalidate your adult child’s feelings by trying to lay a guilt trip on him or her or by seeking fairness.
• Don’t challenge your child’s memories or perceptions.
• Regardless of how differently you may see things, don’t argue about facts.
• Don’t try to excuse or explain your behavior.

If you are dealing with adult child resentment and need more help than what this article could provide, consider counseling. A trained mental health professional can help you process your feelings, see things more clearly, and walk you through the healing process.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at Encinitas Christian Counseling, please give us a call.