Pursuing Flourishing Relationships: Dating Advice for Men

Romantic relationships between men and women can be just as intoxicating as they are complicated. Over the last few decades, how men and women relate to each other has changed drastically, leaving many at a loss about how to navigate this new world, thus, this article on dating advice for men.

Dating has become something like the wild west, with no clear rules about who does what and why. Some people thrive even amid chaos, so the free-flowing world of 21^st-century dating has worked out well for some, while others are floundering.

If you’re a man that’s trying to pursue relationships with women in a way that promotes both their and your flourishing, it may mean setting up safeguards and principles that will guide you on your journey. Dating advice for men can help. Dating in the social media age can be fast, anonymous, and heartless.

Romantic encounters between men and women often unfold like a terrible game in which the one who catches feelings first loses, leaving a lot of emotional wreckage in its wake. Being a man of integrity and wisdom on the dating scene may not be fashionable or easy, but a relationship built on anything less is likely to be severely compromised and probably not worth having.

The first step in dating advice for men: wisdom

Any dating advice for men should start with wisdom, and the book of Proverbs functions as a repository of wise aphorisms about how life tends to work. If you are wise and understand how the world works, you can safeguard yourself and others from unnecessary heartache. That’s not to say no pain or struggles will come your way – life is far too complicated and unpredictable for that – but you will at least avoid making the obvious errors that experience has taught many others. Proverbs urges a young man to pursue wisdom at whatever cost (Proverbs 4) and to live according to wisdom.

People aren’t isolated units, because they have friends, family, and others that are concerned about their well-being. Your romantic relationship may be personal, but the ripple effects from that relationship aren’t unique to just you. Seek the wisdom of others in your life, because maybe they see something that you don’t. One passage of Scripture says:

Mockers resent correction, so they avoid the wise…Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed – Proverbs 22:12,22 NIV

If your relationship proceeds toward marriage, don’t forget that your significant other will join your community and family, just as you’re joining hers. If either her family or yours see significant and legitimate issues in the relationship, take it seriously and don’t brush them aside. The people that know you best may have helpful insights that can help you in making wise dating choices.

Using wisdom may also mean that if you choose to use dating apps, be cautious about which ones you use, and the basis you use to reach out and make connections with women. If your starting point is with what pleases the eyes, but you don’t have the maturity to move past that toward considering her character, you’ll find yourself in deep trouble.

Invest yourself wisely

You, your time, emotional energy, and financial resources are all finite gifts. You don’t invest the same amount of time on a total stranger that you do on your sibling. The level of commitment in the relationship should be a guide to how much of yourself you invest in it.

Don’t commit yourself and your resources more than the relationship justifies. This isn’t about playing it cool, but simply saying you should cool your jets and not be so invested in your first date that your feelings and actions are way ahead of reality.

For example, don’t plan on making this woman the mother of your children before you’ve gotten to know her. Also, spontaneous expressions of affection that aren’t justified by the depth of the relationship can come off as creepy and desperate.

There’s a world of difference between saying “Yeah, I’d like to fall in love if I meet the right person” and saying “I feel like I’m in love with you” on the first date. The relationship doesn’t have enough history and context for the latter, but you can easily say the former even on your first date.

Being wise and knowing how to invest yourself also means you should also know when to get out of a situation. If you’re alert to red flags such as dishonesty, and deep unresolved issues, and you honor the line past which you won’t cross, that will save you from a lot of unnecessary hurt. For instance, if you find that she doesn’t share your faith commitment, take that seriously and walk away before you get even more emotionally invested in a relationship that may not end well.

Don’t write checks you can’t cash

Men sometimes feel under pressure to act in ways that supposedly make them more attractive to a potential mate. Many men thus either try to fake it till they make it, acting in ways that are inauthentic to who they are to further their romantic prospects. We all put our best foot forward to make a good impression, but that’s different from pretending to be another person to gain an advantage in dating.

Many men will go to extreme lengths to make themselves attractive to women. But the ruse can’t last forever, and it likely comes with the stress of messing up and being discovered. Instead of posturing about who you are, commit to keeping things simple and don’t do things you don’t enjoy, pretend you can afford what you can’t, or compromise your morals to win approval.

In other words, be authentically you. Knowing who you are and going against that to win the approval of a woman is a strike against your integrity, and it’ll get you in trouble one way or another. You can’t bank on the other person’s authenticity and bona fides, but you should be trustworthy so that your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no” (James 5:12).

Apart from lacking integrity in this way, don’t lead a woman on or make promises you can’t or won’t keep. One of the things the Bible stresses is that we will be held accountable for our words. Jesus challenged the religious leaders of His day about their dissembling, and these words have resonance for everyday life:

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned – Matthew 12: 34-37, NIV

Start with a clean slate

We all come to the dating space with some kind of history. It may be a history of pain, of joyful but ultimately disappointing relationships, or a history of nothing materializing in that department. Whatever your specific situation, you bring that with you. Perhaps you’re coming from a bad divorce, or a bad breakup. All of these things can affect how you date and how you interpret the actions of others.

If you need to, go for counseling so that you start your dating journey with as clean a slate as you can manage. If you have trust issues from your previous relationships, get that addressed so you don’t burden the next girl with that baggage. Just as you want a fair shake, she’ll appreciate being given the benefit of the doubt too.

Don’t take advantage of others

All good dating advice for men recognizes that human brokenness takes many forms, and you’ll encounter it in dating as in any other area of life. Some people are vulnerable, and they’re using dating and sex as a way to rebound and heal. Others have sex and other addictions, and they use dating as an outlet for that too. There are some naïve people out there that are exploring their own boundaries and want to make you part of that journey.

All this is to say that people’s motives for dating are varied, and they have vulnerabilities of their own. When you’re dating, use wisdom, not your heart or flesh to guide you in your dating decisions, because your desires may lead you to take advantage of others or else ignore your vulnerabilities to your detriment.

Consider this passage from a letter to the Christians in the city of Ephesus:

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving – Ephesians 5:1-4, NIV

It’s important to ask yourself if you’re acting out of love and respect for others if you take advantage of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Dating advice for men: digging deeper

Your dating journey is unique to you and your life experiences have shaped your outlook on life. Perhaps it’s been a bitter or a sweet experience so far. Maybe you’re recently divorced and reentering the world of dating. Perhaps you’re a single dad who’s coming from a complicated situation, or you’re a young man trying out dating for the first time. Each person comes to the dating situation with hopes, expectations, fears, and dreams unique to themselves.

The challenges and pressures of dating aren’t always easy to negotiate; a person’s own worst impulses can work against them. Whatever your particular challenges, questions, and situation, you can find help by reaching out to a counselor.

It’s possible to have a productive and joyful dating experience. You can make use of individual counseling to get more dating advice for men and help you deal with trust or abandonment issues that may be complicating your dating journey and relationships. Perhaps dating is daunting for you because you’re shy or find social situations stressful. Maybe you keep sabotaging yourself and undermining relationships through certain behaviors and unhelpful thought patterns.

Your counselor can help you explore the roots of these issues and overcome these obstacles. If dating has been a complicated journey for you, don’t hesitate to reach out and make an appointment with a counselor who will provide you with dating advice for men, and walk with you to help you develop the tools you need to accomplish your goals.